The hit Broadway show Dear Evan Hansen has a song, "Anybody Have a Map?"" The mom character sings the chorus: "Anybody Have a Map? Does anyone know how the Hell to do this?" The lyrics tell the story of a mother pulling out all the stops to keep her family's morale afloat, particularly her teenage son. The track is on my playlist, and offers comfort as I wing it as a parent.
Blame it on the mother...
You know that stock phrase. Moms are scapegoats for everything, bad husbands, out of control kids you name it! Nine years into mom duty, and I still have times of uncertainty, remorse, even shame, but there is one thing I have gained, and that is clarity.
I am no longer afraid to tell my child the truth. If I don't know something, I don't pretend to know. If we are going someplace new, I explain that I don't know the outcome. I take a cue from him if he's asking questions, that means he's ready for the correct answers, he's ready to know the truth. I let him see my fragility, and witness how I work through problems.
I have a confession to make, I was and still am an imperfect mom...
I became a mom late in life. Friends had already had two or three kids before I had one, and they all seemed to be experts. I read everything about parenting, spent hours researching baby products and classes. I thought to myself "I've got this!" That confidence quickly faded when it came time to take my baby home from the hospital.
I will never forget the sheer fear I felt holding him in my arms and putting him in his car seat for the first time. Did we even install this thing properly? Every pothole on the street seemed like trauma. I can laugh now, but at the time I just wanted to do the best job I could as a parent. Luckily, I settled into motherhood, but there was one remaining issue.
At that time, I didn't see other moms as friends, but rivals. Does that sound strange?
I used to constantly compare my child and parenting skills to others. It was tick for tat, and it went on for years. In my mind if I had the right baby clothes, gear, classes that made me a good mom. Superficial you bet, but I was conditioned to think those things mattered. All that really counts is a loving, nurturing home, babies don't care about couture! It wasn't until I dealt with real problems with my child that the bubble burst, and I was able to find common ground with other moms, they became my sisters, not my rivals.
Motherhood is a Universal Experience Not Rivalry!
My child was born with a kidney condition. He had to undergo a series of operations, and thankfully he's healed. There were obstacles on the way that we got through thanks to the help of friends, family, neighbors, and nurturing teachers. At the time I thought, "Why is this happening to us?" Now I say, "Why should it happen to anyone?" Hardship is what brings us to a point of understanding, it builds compassion, it allows others to come into your orbit.
I can now see through a new trajectory. It is one of gratitude, acceptance, forgiveness, and humbleness. I know my child is his own person. He is not a mini-me. I cheer his friends accomplishments as if they were his. I am truly happy for them, and no longer feel the need to compare. Some parents think, see, and do things differently than me that's okay too.
I write this essay in a reflective mood. It is the eve of my child's 9th birthday. It is a time to be nostalgic. I have learned to enjoy every minute, and not fast forward one second. Recently, my son said he wished he had appreciated our dog more when he was a puppy. "It went bye so fast," he said. "Yes it did," I said looking at my child knowing exactly how he felt in that moment, and smiled.
